How often do you think about “trust issues” in your team? You’re left wondering why the tension persists despite all the time building clear processes, having regular check-ins, and loads of good intentions. Here’s what research on motivation tells us—and what I see with executive teams consistently—the missing piece isn’t usually systems. Or lack of process. It’s relatedness.
Self-Determination Theory, which has been researched for ~40 years, proves what you’ve probably suspected all along: teams perform best when people feel trusted to decide, capable of succeeding, and are genuinely connected to each other. It identifies three core human needs, but relatedness—our need to feel connected and valued by others—is the foundation that makes everything else work. Think of it like WiFi for teams. Without that underlying connection, nothing else functions properly.
Sit with that for a second: if your team doesn’t feel connected, if they can’t relate to one another, it can hold them back from succeeding in their work, and largely, trust never gets a true chance to develop.
Here’s one thing to notice in the upcoming week: When your team members speak up in meetings, are they contributing ideas or protecting themselves? True relatedness shows up as psychological safety in action — you’ll see people share half-formed thoughts, ask “dumb” questions, and build on each other’s ideas without defensive positioning. I’ve heard one leader describe it recently as “this team loves each other”.
That might feel like a long way off from where you’re at, so how about 3 experiments you can try starting Monday?
1. The Cross-Functional Coffee Practice
Before your next cross-functional project kickoff, ask each team member to have a 15-minute coffee chat with someone from a different team they’ll be working with. The chat shouldn’t be about the project, but about them as people. One leader I work with saw collaboration change dramatically after implementing this 1 simple practice. Just a coffee chat, that’s all. An investment of 15 minutes that could potentially make the next 100 conversations easier.
2. The “How Are You Really?” Check-in
Start team meetings with a simple check-in prompt: “What’s one thing happening in your world that might affect how you show up today?” This might feel like therapy, but it’s intel to help your team with relatedness. When someone on the team mentions their kid’s first day of school, suddenly their distracted energy makes sense instead of feeling personal, or “wrong”.
3. Share the Expertise
In cross-functional work, have each person teach the group one thing only they know—in two minutes. Maybe someone explains APIs in plain English. Your Support leader shares what customer behavior really looks like day-to-day. Suddenly, people see each other as valuable talent rather than roadblocks.
The Slow Down to Speed Up Principle
Here’s the part where I see the most resistance: these connection-building moments feel like “extra time” when you’re rushing to hit deadlines. But notice what happens when you slow down to build relatedness first. Take just a few extra minutes. Teams that know each other resolve tension faster, open up and communicate assumptions instead of nesting on them, and coordinate naturally because they understand each other’s working styles.
It’s often promoted that trust is built simply through trust-building exercises. But you’re looking for something that lasts longer, I know it. That kind of trust emerges when people feel genuinely seen and valued for what they bring. They’re not a “resource” or a “cog”. This deeper trust happens through consistent small moments of connection, not some over-the-top event.
Looking at the week ahead: Pick one experiment. Try it. Notice what happens, not just in the room, but in how people choose to be afterward.
Building trust over time is often the work that I help teams with, through Team Coaching. If you’d like to chat about it more, I’d love to hear from you.
Here are a few resources that I’ve found interesting and have been sharing with clients:
1 // “Learned helplessness” within teams is real, and this is an eye-opening introduction to it. (2 min read)
2 // People don’t actually know themselves very well. (3 min read)
3 // Here’s 5 practices of trusting teams. (9 min video)
