I was at a cybersecurity conference a couple of weeks ago (BSides Seattle), and heard Wendy Nather‘s keynote on Saturday, “Falling Off The Edge, and How to Help”. She shared a perspective on the difficulty of being in the industry, how it’s not getting easier, and things that cybersecurity professionals do that might feel “right” but aren’t helpful.
She had a line at the end of her talk, “Let’s focus on helping, not being helpy.” That’s stayed with me since then. In all of the reading and studying I’ve done as a coach – a helping professional – I don’t remember coming across the word “helpy”. Grammarly hates the word (lol!), but it’s such a powerful frame.
So how do you know if you’re helping, or being helpy? It’s probably worth some reflection…
The helping leader has the other person’s needs as their focus.
The helpy leader might do something that looks like helping, but is subtly self-centered.
The helping leader respects the autonomy and unique perspective of others.
The helpy leader makes moves that are unsolicited, performative, or controlling.
The helping leader is invited.
The helpy leader usually shows up with strings attached, needing recognition.
The helping leader focuses on empowering the other person, not creating dependency.
The helpy leader often assumes they know best, which can sideline the other person’s agency.
The helping leader is collaborative.
The helpy leader makes moves that might stem from ego, anxiety, or needing to feel useful or superior.
We could keep going perhaps…
Now that you have this word, helpy – where do you see it? What kind of leader do you tend to be? Do you drift between the two? What shifts you into helping versus being helpy?
Send me a note with your thoughts on this word, and I promise to respond with something helpful!
Here are a few resources that I’ve found interesting and have been sharing with clients:
1 // Learn to understand “no” as a hallway to the next room rather than a closed door in your face. (5 min read)
2 // How do you see the world – through scarcity, or abundance? (1 min read)
3 // When you hear a mistake, how can you improvise like Miles Davis? (1 min video)
